1. Get cheated on.*
2. Spend several months eating your feelings and using the cheating as an excuse to stop working out, live on french fries and ice cream and be generally lazy.
3. Panic when you notice you've gained a few pounds.
4. Travel a lot for work. Make sure these trips include sampling the local fare (the fattier the better) and taking clients out for dinner and drinks every single night. Also try not to sleep during these trips.
5. Meet the man of your dreams.
6. Get back on the scale and realize the few pounds has turned into several pounds.
7. Start working out twice a day and being really strict with what you eat.
8. Surround yourself with things that will make you feel fat.
9. Forget about the important things in life so you have more time to focus on working out and obsessing over what you eat.
10. Have a mini breakdown to the man of your dreams on a Sunday night and realize that you are driving yourself crazy. That there is so much more to you than how much you weigh, and that being a size 4 instead of a size 2 is not the end of the world. Realize you sound bratty when you complain about being a size 4.

More to come on this, in which I try to recover from the self-inflicted crazy.



*Don't actually get cheated on, if you can help it.

Or, ya know, call it a comeback if you want.

Dear, sweet readers of this tiny blog,
I am done with graduate school. I have a masters now.

And I live in my own apartment, just me and the dog. I have this amazing job that challenges and inspires me, and an amazing man who does the same. (Plus he's pretty handsome.)

I am a lucky girl. Pinch me.

But you know me...I am never satisfied. It's one of the things I like most about myself.

So in the coming months, I'll be challenging myself in (hopefully) many different ways, and documenting it here. Because that's one challenge: write more on the blog so years from now when I'm boring I can look back and remember when.

And that's it. Challenging, no? If you have any ideas of what I should do, leave me a comment, I need all the inspiration I can get.

Love, Jo

This weekend was a rollercoaster. 

This whole month has been a rollercoaster. 

I have gone from extreme highs (lovely Melissa's wedding) to extreme lows (sobbing because I don't think my department is going to let me graduate) and I'm exhausted. 

I've been working all day on my documentary, and while I've made a lot of progress, my laptop keeps randomly shutting down. Seemingly for no reason. And so I've been on the edge of tears of frustration all day. Also, there was a spider. 

But then a bunch of wonderful somethings happened. 

First, my dad sent me a video of my parents' puppy playing with a squeaky toy. 

Second, I got an amazing email from a professor I really admire, that went a little something like this...
Joanna: I remember I liked your essay on Coppola's Virgin Suicides, but this one which looked at all of her films was masterful. Elegant prose, wonderful insights, perfect organization. The argument was totally convincing, the details from each film exemplified the points being made--it's good enough to be considered for publication. If it were possible I'd give it a Pass with Distinction. My congratulations on a job well done!

I can't even tell you how much I needed to hear that. Given how much BS I've been dealing with from the rest of my department, this email was a beacon of hope to me. Reassurance that I'm doing well, and that someone cares that I'm working my tail off. 

Third, I clicked on a friend's link on Facebook to a blog post by a friend of hers who had just lost a baby at 34 weeks. And it changed my night. 

I'm grateful because Beth (my coworker) gave birth to a health baby girl last week and didn't have to endure the pain of losing her. I'm grateful because this woman who I don't even know shared the story of her faith in the midst of this crisis. You could say I've experienced a crisis of faith lately (and by lately, I mean over the past year) and reading her words was humbling to say the least. 

Fourth, Despicable Me is on. 

So there's my grateful list for today. 

The other thing? I just have to make it through 6 more days and I leave for London. I'm a lucky girl. 

I've mentioned it before, but Matt Nathanson is one of my absolute favorite artists. I never get tired of listening to any of his music, and I've seen him perform live 6 times (I think it's 6).

Lately I've been playing him a lot...at work, in the car, in my apartment. And everytime I hear "All We Are" my heart catches in my throat. Mostly b/c of this story: Counting the Days Until the World Goes Quiet

I dare you to read it an not get choked up. The gist of it is that a girl had to have surgery that would leave her deaf, and this was the last thing she chose to hear beforehand.

I'm posting a live version of the song, because I love what he says before he starts playing about life being short and living the way we want to every single day. About moving forward and also savoring each day. Anyway, I love this song, and I really want to internalize the message and remember it every day. To let go of high expectations for myself, to be 100% myself as often as I can be.

I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you
Trading out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful

Right off the bat, I am probably going to use the word *hard* a lot in this post. So go ahead and get all the 'that's what she said' jokes out of your system.

Done? Good.

I've been doing a lot of hard things lately.
Grad school? Hard.
Relationships? HARD.
Job hunting? Hard.
Working out? Hard.

Let's talk about that last one. Back in February, when Sundance was over and life was back to normal I started running again. And it was unbearable. Seriously. I remember feeling like I'd been running for ever and then looking and realizing it had been two minutes. Oy. That was the day I stopped looking at the clock on the treadmill.

But with time, and perseverance, running became something I love. Does that mean I want to run a half marathon or a 10K or anything? Absolutely not. I just don't have any real interest in it. I did, however, want to be able to run a 5K without stopping. And I did it. And it was awesome.

Something that seemed insurmountable at first was accomplished. And I discovered that with enough time, anything is possible.

When I think about the things I want most in my life, none of them are things I would just fall into (unless I won some sort of lottery that you don't have to enter). They are all things that would require effort, and work, and sweat, and tears. Which brings me to the above graphic.

It will be hard. (The best things are.) Do it anyway.

I made it so I can look at it when I'm thinking about quitting, or backing off, or wondering why I put effort into something when I can't always see results. The epilogue to that graphic is 'It's worth it.' And I truly believe that most things are worth it.

I'm a Libra, and apparently one of our traits is that we take the easy way out. I don't know why, but that's stuck with me since I first heard it. I don't want to be the person who won't put in the work. So I've been trying to do more hard things. And even though sometimes it does leave me sweating, or in tears, or whining to my parents, it's been a good thing in my life lately. In fact, I'm happier than I can ever remember being.

So what's my next hard thing? Well, D and I have been falling into the couple trap where we just eat whatever we feel like because eating icecream together is fun. And going out to eat a lot is fun. But these are not the habits that we want to build together. So, we're doing Body for Life. It's a 12 week challenge aimed at changing your eating and exercise habits (it's also totally safe and has been around since the mid 90s), and we're starting today.*

You might be hearing a lot about it on the blog, depending on how it goes. As with all new things, I will give this the best shot I can, but if it isn't for us, I won't feel any guilt about stopping. Mostly I'm hoping it'll get us away from eating take out and junk food as much as we do. We are pretty good at making dinner a few nights a week, but there is still a lot of pizza and Cafe Rio. 


*To be clear, I'm not trying to lose any weight. No sir. I want to tone things up, and I want to get into better shape and be supportive of D doing the same things.

So this running thing. It's awesome. Seriously. However...running outside in Salt Lake makes me really sick. Not in a metaphorical way, in a literal losing my voice, sore throat way. The combination of cold, dry air and pollution really did a number on me this past weekend. And I'm so frustrated, because you're not supposed to get sick when you're trying to work out, right? I was trying to do something good for me, and instead I'm stuck sounding like a smoker.

Oh well. Best intentions, right?

Which brings me to the song for today. Years ago I heard Heather Small's 'Proud'...can't remember where. I immediately put it on my gym playlist, where it has stayed. Fast forward and The Biggest Loser uses it as a theme song, as well as (get excited!) The London 2012 Olympics!

Now, I love the Olympics. And every time I remember they're this summer it makes me happy. I was trying to find the original video from when they were bidding for the games, it had the song and a bunch of school kids talking about the Olympics, and was really fun.

But I couldn't find it.

I did, however, find something just as good. Behold, a new(ish) promo video for the games featuring the song and a really clever gimmick. My favorite are the fencing businessmen.

Anyway, not to be too cheesy, but I hope if you're one of those people who needs motivation/inspiration that this can be it. At least for the next ten minutes or so.

Remember when I moved up to Park City for Sundance and basically disappeared from my own life?

That's now.

And while I should be sleeping, I'm awake.

Why?

Because I'm thinking. In a good way. Not only have I seen some amazing films lately, but I took part in an interactive media event with hitRECord (Joseph Gordon-Levitt's production project) that has really rejuvenated me, creatively speaking.

JGL (aka the Hotness) talked a lot about story telling, and creating, and it was exactly what this burned out grad student needed. I really needed to be reminded why I'm trying to make films. To feel, and to think. And to help others feel and think. To not feel so alone. To be vulnerable. We creative people, we really are different from everyone else. There is something inside us that urges us to connect and express and not be scared even though it's scary.

I guess what I'm saying is that if I have to be kept up at night, inspiration is a pretty good cause.

Just saw this on Hue&Hum...I'd heard this from Ira Glass before, but it was just what I needed to be reminded of today.

As part of an effort to take back my life, I decided to start with taking back Ensign Peak.

It's one of my favorite places in Utah, and there are few things I enjoy more than going up on a Sunday afternoon, or any afternoon, really, and sitting for a while on a rock overlooking the valley. It's peaceful, and it reminds me how very big the world is, and how very small I am.

But the last time I went up, I got some bad news. Have you ever gotten bad news while standing on a cliff? No? Count yourself lucky.


This past Sunday I layered up (forgot the earmuffs though, for the wind) and started the trek up a very muddy trail.


There were times when I told myself it was stupid to be wading through mud, uphill. But I kept going. And sometimes I stopped, to take pictures. (All taken with my phone, b/c I left my camera in the car.)





Mostly, though, I just looked at the scenery and kept trudging. I was determined to reclaim this peak for me. To make new memories and erase the old ones. To take back my place.


My shoes are still caked in dirt. And my ears were cold for half an hour after I left. But friends, it was totally worth it.

Can't get enough of this song.

It is, in my opinion, the most important love we will ever know.

It is the love the brings a dad 2000 miles just to take care of his daughter after oral surgery. It is the love that makes him into a Papa Bear who wants to break the legs of anyone who ever hurt me. It is when I can hear in my parents' voices the pain they feel when I am hurting. When they tell me they just want me home for a while, because they believe that being home, with them, will help fix what's wrong. It is because they're right about that.
 
It is a cool hand on my forehead when I feel sick, and a freshly made bed when I come home. It is sitting in my room when they talk on the phone to me, and signing texts 'Love, Us'. It is pictures of the wildlife in the yard. It is coming to get me from college when I'm too sick to take the train.

It is always wanting what is best for me, and reminding me that I should want that, too. It is being in my corner when I need them. Always betting on me, even when the odds aren't in my favor.
It is unconditional, unbreakable, and cannot be stretched too thin. It is undeserved, which makes it even better. It is my end all, be all, keeps me going, what more could I ask for love.

Source: flickr.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Not to eat. 

OK, yes, who am I kidding...to eat.

But also...to wear.

Source: google.ca via Joanna on Pinterest

I think of caramel as that elusive territory between blonde and brown (which I REFUSE to call 'bronde'). Right now I have cool blonde hair...

Source: Uploaded by user via Chryssa on Pinterest

See? Mine is like the girl on the left. And I'd like to go warmer, like the girl on the right. Also, I want their bone structure. Are they twins or do all models look alike?

I need a change, you see. I could do something like this:

Source: google.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Just some low-lights and general warming. But I really feel like I need a change.

Source: rainydaysandblankets.tumblr.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Too orange? I'm sort of in love with it but I don't know if I could pull it off.

Help! I know if I hate it I can always dye it back after a few weeks...but I'm so indecisive! Am I just being crazy? People spend time + money to have hair my color...am I weird to want to change it?

Today is the first day of fall!

Prepare for gorgeousness.

Source: google.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Source: flickr.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Source: flickr.com via Joanna on Pinterest

Source: whatsupmynerdizzles.tumblr.com via Joanna on Pinterest

My mission this Fall is to find some really pretty places that remind me of being on the East Coast. Anyone want to help?

I can't promise much, but I can guarantee there will be stops for pumpkin and apple goodness along the way.

PS- Did you notice the colors here are a little more fall-like? This is what happens when I don't plan out my mornings off. I waste time.

Can I tell you about this one afternoon in the fall of my senior year? Indulge me for just a moment.

I was still the new kid from Pennsylvania, still unsure about Massachusetts and 'wicked' and these new friends I was beginning to make. And then this one afternoon happened. Sarah and Rachel and I had been working in the courtyard during APES (AP Environmental Science) and it was warm but just beginning to be fall so by the end of the day it was pretty cool outside. Sarah was craving pumpkin ice cream from this place next to White Hen Pantry so we hopped in her car and went for some.

Pause, to appreciate the amazing-ness of pumpkin ice cream on an early-fall New England afternoon.

We drove back to the school parking lot to drop Rachel at her car, and Sarah was going to drive me home. We put the top down on her car (a hunger green Cabrio convertible). She put on this song that I'd heard before but never this version, and turned up the volume and sped through the parking lot past the field hockey team practicing and looked at me and smiled. And it was one of those looks that just tells you that everything is going to be good, and this is what life can be like and there's nothing to do but live it. The music was loud and pounded in my chest and the air whipped my hair around and Sarah and I just laughed. That remains one of my favorite moments in my whole life.

I was in DC this past weekend for my 5 year college reunion (pause, to realize how very old I am) and saw Sarah and lots of old friends, and was reminded about the way I used to feel about life. I would really like to get back to that.

Anyway, this was that song:

It's still her ringtone on my phone.

Oprah.

Maybe that's not so unexpected to some people, but I've never even seen an episode of Oprah. But a while ago, someone linked to the transcript of her final speech, and some of what she said has stayed with me.

"Nobody but you is responsible for your life. It doesn't matter what your mama did; it doesn't matter what your daddy didn't do. You are responsible for your life."
-my friend Sarah always says: "No one will get you out of bed in the morning but you." Oprah would be proud.

"There is a difference, you know, between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness."

"What I got was we often block our own blessings because we don't feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough...the show has taught me you're worthy because you are born and because you are here. Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough."
-I once read that creating a mantra and repeating it to yourself throughout the day, every day, changes your outlook. Mine was 'I am enough.' I think maybe I should bring it back. 



"I've talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: 'Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?'"
-Sarah again. When we talk about relationships, we agree that we want a witness to our life. I think that's just another way of saying what Oprah is saying. We want someone to be with us in the small moments to validate our existence. Like the phrase from The Help: You are kind, you are smart, you are important. 

"What I've gleaned from this show: Whispers are always messages, and if you don't hear the message, the message turns into a problem. And if you don't handle the problem, the problem turns into a crisis. And if you don't handle the crisis, disaster. Your life is speaking to you. What is it saying?"
-Love love love. The still small voice...