the amateur

Sometimes, when I'm on a first date, I feel this weird need to justify why I might be single. Like my date is judging me for not being in a relationship. And then I realize he's single, too.

Sometimes I just want to be in a relationship so that someone else will go get the Cafe Rio when it's raining.

Amount of time I spend picking out a necklace to wear on a first date: 10 minutes
Amount of time date spends looking at necklace: maybe 1 second

Sometimes when you're making out with a guy something might happen and you think 'ow' and then move on. But if it actually causes you say 'ow' out loud...it will probably leave a bruise. 

When it rains, it usually pours.

The non-committal guy will usually feel a lot more committal when he realizes you're going out on dates with other guys.

Sometimes on a date you have to sneak to the bathroom and call your friend to get you out of it. I love being the friend that gets the call. I am a master of fake break up phone calls/texts. My latest fake boyfriend's name is Trevor, truly an occurrence of life imitating art, as he's a character in my screenplay.

Sometimes you have to carry a camera so you have an excuse not to hold hands. A dog also works for this.

Yes, I'm offering you some of my milkshake, but I don't really want you to have any. I'm complicated. (PS I'm talking about a literal milkshake, not some sort of metaphor for tail.)

With the right guy, snuggling in front of a movie is the best date ever. With the wrong guy, you will be counting down the minutes until the credits start to roll.

Good dancer usually equals good kisser. I don't know why that is. Something about rhythm.

Sometimes 'when are you coming back?' is the closest you'll get to 'I miss you'

The 'right' guy isn't always the right guy. Sure, he may be perfect on paper, and he may be perfect in real life. But if there's no spark, you can't force it.

The guy who texts you every time he knows you're on a date with someone else? Probably a little bit into you.