Do you ever watch reality TV (The Bachelor, for example) and feel like the girls are so much older than you, only to find out that they're your age or younger? Because I do that all the time.

Like this girl:

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/bio/nicki/907798

She's a year younger than me and if I saw her on the street I'd guess she was at least 30.

For comparison:
Granted, not the best photo of me. But it was taken a week ago so I figure it shows me at my oldest. (PS - Good lord, I look like my father in this one. And all photos. And real life.)

Is it the makeup? Or the tan? Or do I actually look as old as her and I'm just delusional?

And on the flip side, I often feel so painfully old. Sometimes my having lived in New York comes up and people ask when I was there. And I tell them I worked there for a few years after college, you know, before I moved to SLC and started grad school. I AM OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE WORKED FOR A FEW YEARS IN NEW YORK AFTER COLLEGE. That is terrifying.

From a fantastic article on Thought Catalog:

"I think the reason why twentysomethings are so fixated on age is because we feel a pressure to be a certain way at 23, at 25, at 29. There are all of these invisible deadlines with our careers and with love and drinking and drugs. I can’t do coke at 25. I need to be in a LTR at 27. I can’t vomit from drinking at 26. I just can’t! We feel so much guilt for essentially acting our age and making mistakes. We’re obsessed with this idea of being domesticated and having our shit together. It’s kind of sad actually because I don’t think we ever fully get a chance to enjoy our youth. We’re so concerned about doing things “the right way” that we lose any sense of pleasure in doing things the wrong way. Youth may be truly wasted on the young."

Can we all agree to enjoy our youth? I promise I will if you will. No more deciding I have to have done anything by any age, because the reality is, the people who force themselves into those situations regret it. And I for one like to live with no regrets.

I wrote this a while ago, but I've been doing a lot of thinking on it, and I felt like New Years was a good time to acknowledge it.

Source: littlebrownpen.blogspot.com via Maggie on Pinterest

There is an amazing song by Jenny Lewis off her album with the Watson Twins called "You Are What You Love".

The chorus is what really gets me: You are what you love and not what loves you back

For some reason it makes me think of the phrase girl are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. If I'm made up of the things I love, I'm in pretty good shape. 

That means that where my brain would be is my mother's, and even though I often complain about looking too much like my dad, I am lucky to have him looking at me in the mirror every day. 

My hands are Aylin's because she encouraged me to be crazy and now I gesticulate wildly when I speak. 

My feet are Kristy's because she'll always dance with me. 

My legs are Mel's because she holds me up when I can't stand on my own. 

Lauri resides in my stomach where she tries to feed me southern cooking but gives up and makes me pasta instead. 

Sarah takes her place in my lungs where the breath for all our long talks begins.

Every time I laugh it is Rachel's laugh, and when I brush my hair it is Alaina's hair, memorized after hours spent talking while she straightened it. 

My arms have many tenants: the people who indulge me in a really good hug (a strange obsession 

of mine).

Maybe I love people or things in the wrong way. Maybe I am too involved in the lives of others and in seeking perfection and hoping for something better. Maybe I expect too much of people, but it's only because I know what they're capable of. If the way I love is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I just have to say, whoever takes up residency in my heart has a lot to live up to.

Remember how I talked about donating some friends like sweaters?

Well, I spoke to a dear friend recently (don't you love that I sometimes speak like an old lady?) and she suggested that some of the people in my life are less like ill-fitting clothing and more like a cancer that I need to excise.


I've never had surgery...but maybe it's time.

There are few things as refreshing as a good purge. And obviously, I don't mean the finger down the throat kind. I mean the closet purge, the pantry purge, the refrigerator purge. The good kinds.

Every season (sometimes more frequently) I go through my closet and drawers and get rid of everything that doesn't fit anymore. And I don't just mean size-wise. I mean it doesn't fit my life anymore, or my body, or my style, or it hasn't been worn in ages but I couldn't bear to get rid of it before now because it had sentimental meaning.

I've been wondering lately...can I do the same thing with my life? Is it as easy to get rid of habits or activities or friends that don't fit you anymore? Would it be just as refreshing? At what point do you donate the friend that you just couldn't get yourself to get rid of even though you know they don't fit your life anymore? Or do you hang on to them, hoping you'll find a way to wear them in your new life?

I get frustrated with myself when I keep things around that only bring me down. Like a dress that I love that just doesn't look quite right, but I don't purge it. And it hangs in my closet, a constant reminder of what could be but isn't. And every time I see it I get frustrated.

I realize people aren't sweaters. And habits aren't shoes. But sometimes, I really wish cleaning out my life were as easy as a trip to Goodwill.

Whenever I'm having a bad day, or a good day, or even just a blah day, I blast this song and feel instantly amazing.

I had a rough time a little bit ago, and it's not exactly better but I've decided to feel better about it. And I got some great news today (new job! that doesn't require a uniform!) and it's sunny outside!

I was talking to someone last week who didn't think they were the kind of person I thought they were (how vague can I be?) and my advice to them was to just decide to be that person. So that's the attitude I'm trying to adopt: decide to be what you want. Today, I am carefree and optimistic and hopeful.

Join me?