Maybe you didn't know this about me, but I write a lot of letters. Like, probably one a week. And they never get sent. Because they're for me. The only time I ever actually sent one that I'd written, the only thing it said was 'I'm sorry'. Probably a bit of a let down for the recipient, but it was all I needed that person to hear.
Today I was writing an email to a friend and had it saved in my drafts. I accidentally clicked on another draft email, one that is over a year old, that I never sent. That I never intended on sending. But the thing is, I love this letter. It is angry, sure, but it is powerful. I wrote it a couple days after a break up and haven't really looked at it since then. The nice thing about these letters I write is that I can say what I really want to say without hurting the other person. Typically I don't say anything in the letters I wouldn't have the guts to say to a person's face, but for whatever reason it's better not to be said.
Anyway, I don't know why I felt the urge to post this, but I did. So I am. Reading this, I can kind of understand why people are a little scared of me. In my mother's words, I was 'raised to be formidable'. The person referred to in this letter took that away from me, a little. And in this letter I got it back.
[redacted],
You were wrong. About a lot of things, but in particular about my wanting that second letter. I didn't. Why would I care about the opinion of a coward and a liar? Did you think it would bring me comfort? Did you think I'd be so broken apart without you that I'd be desperate for an emotional handout?
More than that, did you think I never felt unsettled about you? I did, but I had the guts to bring it up. I didn't let it fester and go to other people for advice instead of the person I was in a relationship with. That's what adults do; they deal with situations. You may think it makes you an adult to have 'serious' conversations all the time and constantly be 'moving forward' but in fact it just shows your immaturity and inability to let things progress at their own rate. While we're on the subject of your immaturity, nicely done posting that you're 'happier than you've been in quite a while...in a big way' on facebook and deleting the pictures of us. I had no idea I was making you so miserable, what with you calling me every night and us spending all our time together. The laughing and smiling really fooled me, I guess. I completely missed the part where I was treating you horribly and bent on making your life miserable.
I do have one question: if I hadn't forced you to make a decision, how long would this have gone on? How much longer would you have continued to make plans with me for our future while secretly being 'unsettled' and apparently very unhappy? I didn't force you to be in a relationship with me, [redacted]. In fact, if you recall I was pretty hesitant about the whole thing and wanted to take it slow. What bothers me is that you lied (and now, your subsequent immature behavior). You acted as though nothing was wrong and then suddenly we're broken up and I'm somehow the bad guy. You made me feel like I was somehow not spiritual or not good enough for you, and that's just laughable. How dare you judge my faith and my beliefs without bothering to find out what they are? What gives you the audacity to put yourself in a place to judge others on anything?
I'd like to share with you some advice that I think will be really helpful to you in dealing with people in the future: You need to learn that what [redacted] thinks is not always right. Just because something is right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone, and if you continue to behave that way you may find yourself alone for quite awhile. Although I'm sure there is a shallow girl out there just waiting for some man to get in line behind. But (obviously) that's not me. Real people get angry, and sad, and they disagree and that's OK. But in your world they have to be happy all the time and positive all the time and agree on everything. It's unrealistic and it's a lie. But I guess that pretty much sums you up.
Did you think there was nothing off-putting about you? Did you think I was so happy to be in a relationship with you that there was nothing I didn't like? Nothing I would have wanted to change? The thing is, I would never have asked you to change. The only thing I wanted was for you to cover your mouth when you yawned, but other than that I was putting up with everything. Like how you'd insult me, and assume you always knew better than I did, and act like I was a heathen for doing anything that was different from what you did. Also, I never liked your hair. And I let you win that second round of bowling so I wouldn't bruise your fragile ego. I learned my lesson - I'll never be with someone who can't handle his partner being better than him at things.
So, goodbye. Good riddance. I won't miss you.
